[Dan Wallach]

[We thought of this late one night...]

A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM


Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is
only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can
trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult
different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a
small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of
undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy,
discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but
is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the
management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then
middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.


12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or
don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich
orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they
look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore
her presense until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check
carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants
are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf
identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

--
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